The Game's Gone Crazier

For all the latest on the exploits of Uncle Festa, Godfather Cellino, Friar Brian, Old Big Gob, GianFredo Zola, Butterfingers Green, 'Arry the Albatross, The Grand Puppet Master, Il Duce Di Canio, Timmy Sherwood and a cast of thousands!

Thursday, 31 January 2013

Leeds Capture Two International Stars In Glorious 12 Hours

So GFH Capital have come good big time. Two top internationals signed in a day. First Welsh maestro Steve Morison and now England international left back Stephen Warnock.

This is a great day for the club, one to compare with the heady Revie era perhaps. Never mind that Becchio has left - who needs him anyway when you have the electric quick goal machine that is Morison?

And as for Warnock, he has to be one of the unluckiest footballers ever to have lived, his England opportunities limited by Cole and Baines, and his Villa career cut short by the ensemble of top defenders that Lambert has to choose from.

Old Big Gob has no excuses now, not that he will need them! This is the squad he has craved all season. He said he needed two or three quality players, well they don't come with more quality than the two Steves do they?

Leeds were already too good for Tottenham before these signings, now promotion to the Premier League followed by Champions League qualification feel almost within touching distance. How Snodgrass and Becchio will live to regret walking out on Leeds, opting for those giants of English football, Norwich City instead! Poor Mancini is already clearing his desk knowing that the writing is on the wall after poor Man City were paired with Warnock's boys in the next round of the Cup.

The fans are gathering outside Elland Road as we speak, singing the names of Warnock, Patel and Haigh. Beckham is fuming, having been knocked off the back pages of the world's media by this stunning double coup. Extra staff have been brought in to man the phones in an effort to cope with the surge in demand for match day tickets, with lines opened throughout the night.

The ground will be full from now to the end of the season for Leeds have acquired two giants to stand alongside Giles, Hunter, Bremner, Eddie Gray, Sniffer Clarke, Cantona, and Lee Chapman. MOT lads, MOT!

Leeds Miss Out As Middlesbrough Land Former Warnock Favourite

Never mind that packet of Haribo and Warnock Junior, both of whom have yet to sign for Leeds, the shock news of this window is that former Old Big Gob favourite Kieron Dyer has joined Middlesbrough instead.

Apparently, the former West Ham, QPR, Ipswich and Newcastle sick note was so impressed by the Boro treatment room that he couldn't wait to sign on the dotted line, using a specially sterilised pen.

"It's all mod cons", a Boro insider confirmed. "The treatment tables are Premier League class and the ambient temperature is perfect, even in the middle of winter. We are confident that Kieron will settle in nicely and see out his six month contract in the lap of luxury."

Dyer was unavailable for comment, probably on account of a sore throat and wrist strain after signing his name.

Honestly, how does this guy keep finding mugs to sign him?

Leeds Boob As Warnock Loses Battle To Keep Becchio

Well I blogged yesterday that Becchio would go, it was just a case of for how little. I predicted a caravan of camels and a light arms shipment to Syria. Instead, Leeds are getting just one camel in return, the used to be prolific Steve Morison.

Ten goals in 53 games for Norwich doesn't bode well does it, with no goal for approximately a year now. Old Big Gob will try to talk this up, claiming that Leeds have landed an international striker who was banging them in at Championship level a couple of years back, but that won't wash. Norwich let him go for a reason and, given the choice, Leeds would have preferred Becchio to the Welshman.

But, as Leeds fans were quick to point out when Warnock rejected West Ham, you have to respect a player's wishes to better himself and join a bigger club. Norwich City, bigger than Leeds United eh? Well Becchio, Howson, Robert Snodgrass and Bradley Johnson can't all be wrong, can they?

Never mind, the good men folk of Leeds do boast the biggest man boobs in Britain so there's still something to be proud of! Perhaps Warnock can show everybody his before the next home game or will he settle for putting on show the tits he has signed in the January window?

Watford's Tinkerman Not Learning From His Mistakes

Once again Zola changed half the team, once again Watford lost, and once again GianFredo said he doesn't think it was a mistake and assured everybody that he will do it again. His excuse, there are lots of good players in his squad and there are lots of games to play.

Somebody should tell him that every match carries the same number of points. There's no sense in throwing away three easy points by picking a sub standard team in the hope of saving players for the more difficult games to come. Had Watford won at bottom of the table Bristol City, they would have been in the box seat for automatic promotion. By throwing the game, Zola has blown a fantastic opportunity to maintain momentum.

We all know wholesale rotation doesn't work - so why does GianFredo persist with it? If you want to save players' legs, you use substitutions wisely or rest players in ones or twos. Changing half the team for a game causes mass uncertainty in your own ranks and acts as a great motivator for the opposition: "We can win this one lads, they're playing their stiffs"!

Will Zola learn? He hasn't so far. Abromovich should take careful note!

Wednesday, 30 January 2013

Watford Closing In On Birmigham's Redmond?

If true, that would be one hell of a statement by the Pozzo family and one hell of a poke in the eye for Birmingham fans. The mooted price, a mere £2m, seems ridiculous for a player linked with Premiership clubs over the summer and carrying, at that point, a tag of £6m.

We know times are desperate at Birmingham but surely not THAT desperate? At this rate, poor Lee Clark will be lucky if he can name a team after the January window closes.

What the hell is going on in England's second city? Villa are sinking faster than a flushed turd, Birmingham aren't far off shutting up shop for good, and Wolves are looking more like Chihuahuas.

They used to build cars in the Midlands; soon we will be saying they used to play football!

So is West Ham target Warnock joining Leeds?

This is getting intriguing. Everybody assumed the deal was done yesterday, but as yet Leeds have not announced the capture of Warnock Junior.

What's going on then? Have GFH Capital baulked at the wage demands? Is Old Big Gob having second thoughts? Or will the deal be signed, sealed and delivered just in time before the window slams shut tomorrow?

Mind you, thus far Becchio is still a Leeds player but only because prospective buyers are playing brinkmanship over the price. He will go. It's just a question of for how little. My guess is that it will be for an "undisclosed sum" which the accounts, when translated from Arabic in 18 months time, will reveal as a caravan of camels and a light arms shipment to Syria.

And what about the packet of Haribo that Warnock was supposedly closing in on? So far no news on that either. It could be an exciting last day of the window for Leeds fans tomorrow or it could be a dreadful damp squib.

Time will tell. As for me, I can't decide whether or not I want Warnock Junior to join Leeds. It would be fun to track his mistakes, but at the same time, it would be hilarious if he found himself without a club come the summer.

Tuesday, 29 January 2013

Warnock Still Building Pensioners Eleven At Leeds

So why did Warnock Junior join Warnock Senior at Leeds rather than link up with West Ham? Well those Leeds fans who can read might note what Allardyce said: "he received a phone call from a Championship club who made him a better, long-term offer".

Now the key words here, of course, are "long term offer". West Ham wanted a stop gap and were unwilling to saddle themselves with a 31 year old who is already 12 months beyond his sell by date. Old Big Gob, on the other hand, doesn't worry about little matters like a player's age. Why should he? He plans to quit at the end of the season so he needn't worry that half his squad will be receiving treatment for arthritis within the next 24 months.

How long is Stephen Warnock's contract? 18 months according to the Yapping Post, so West Ham were presumably offering him a deal until the end of the season. No wonder the guy prefers the insurance of another year's salary in the undemanding surroundings of the Championship!

And whilst Leeds fans have multiple orgasms at the "capture" of Warnock, perhaps they might stop and consider the quality of the player they have signed. He has been on loan at Bolton and where are they in the table exactly? Below Leeds. And presumably they weren't desperate to land him as there was no talk of them being in the race for his signature.

I blogged my opposition to signing Warnock yesterday for a reason - and it had nothing to do with him now joining Leeds. Quite simply, he isn't good enough for West Ham. And, if I am honest, it is embarrassing that we were even linked with him.

But all that's irrelevant. I was impressed with Leeds on Sunday and I thought White coped well at left back. It's rough justice if he is now replaced by a knackered old has been - but that, sadly, is Old Big Gob's way.

And there's perhaps another motive for signing him. Now when the Leeds faithful call for Warnock to be sacked, Old Big Gob will explain to the absentee owners that the fans are calling for the head of  "the useless cnut at left back"!

Leeds United Offer West Ham Helping Hand

Bloody hell, that was a near thing! All the reports suggested that Warnock was about to join West Ham, but at the last moment his name sake stepped in and saved our bacon!

Thank God. I blogged yesterday that my Mum could fill in at left back as well as Warnock. Presumably he is off to Leeds because he knows he would be embarrassed in the Prem. Let's face it, he can't get into Villa's team so he must be shit!

Why were we even considering him? God only knows. Now let's go out and find somebody who is at least half decent.

By the way, is Old Big Gob going to play his name sake up front? Or move White there?

My views on Warnock were carried yesterday.

Monday, 28 January 2013

Leeds Thunder Stolen By Oldham Beating Of Liverpool

Sods Law. Leeds put in a truly top drawer performance and dump Spurs out of the Cup, then along come Oldham and steal their thunder!

Of course, Leeds beating Spurs in times of yore would not have been a giant killing, more a typical result, though it was odd to hear that this was only the second time that the once mighty Whites had knocked Tottenham out of the competition. Even now, it wasn't a huge shock. Warnock does seem to being able to get his team to play at home, and they do seem to put in extra effort in Cup games. The question I would be asking, if I was Patel or Haigh is, why the hell can't this team win at Barnsley?

The truly amazing results yesterday were the Brentford draw against Chelsea and the Liverpool defeat at Oldham. That humbling of the blushing Reds must surely be rated one of the most sensational giant killing acts of all time, up there with Yeovil's victory over Sunderland, Hereford's defeat of Newcastle and Colchester's humbling of that great Revie team.

No sod it, Oldham's win compares only with that Leeds defeat at Colchester because you half expect teams like Sunderland, Newcastle, QPR, Norwich, Coventry and, yes, West Ham to come a Roy against the smaller teams. But Leeds under Revie? No way. And Liverpool under anybody, even Benitez, is unheard of, even if it takes a Suarez hand ball goal to see them through!

Mind you, it may be for the best that the headlines are elsewhere. Old Big Gob now has to get his players' feet back on the ground and focused on the league. But that should be easy enough, all he has to say is that, given the draw for the next round, the victory was something of an irrelevance anyway. Fun but little more.

After all, there's only one team from Yorkshire good enough to go all the way to Wembley at the moment!

We Are Leeds. We Hate Nottingham Forest. And We Hate Liverpool Too

The article below was submitted via email.

Let me start out by saying this: there is a place in football for hate. 

Now, that might seem a rather provocative, not to say controversial statement, in these happy-clappy days when going to the match is supposed to be all about families, and fun. When oompah bands high up in the stands, are strategically placed so that the newly-gentrified population in the 36 quid seats should not have to hear anything raucous or profane. 

But it's true, nevertheless. Football is tribal, football is cathartic, football is where you get to let off some steam after gritting your teeth all week. And, for all of that, you need someone to hate.

Hate is a much misunderstood, possibly demonised word these days. It's not really to be found in the lexicon of the politically correct. It sends out the wrong message, don't you know, and speaks of the extreme edges of emotion and feeling, where those of pallid personalities do not wish to be seen. 

But hate is a real human emotion, and you can't simply wish, or indeed legislate it away. Properly expressed, it's just about the best catalyst for atmosphere at a good old traditional sporting fixture.

The professionals should stay out of it, and get on with the game - it's not really within their remit to get caught up in the atmosphere a bit of hate generates (although it's frequently more entertaining than the football when teams DO let the passion affect them). However, the real arena is in the stands, or on the terraces, as we used to say in happier times. 

Here is where the mutual dislike, felt in extreme measure in some cases, can safely be vented. Two sets of supporters, bound by a common loathing, hurl insults of glorious vulgarity back and forth, each seeking to outdo the other in a contest outside of the on-field engagement.  The feeling is atavistic, and there's no actual need for it to spill over into physical confrontation for honour to be satisfied. The occasion as a whole is enhanced by these pieces of human theatre.

The modern tendency towards crowd interaction being drowned out by super-powerful PA systems, pumping out crap music, has detracted from this phenomenon, as have the silly drums and trumpets they call 'bands.'  My own beloved Leeds United, made an ill-advised decision a few years back to promote a 'band', but the masses behind the goal did not approve. The occasional toot and drumbeat were heard, only to be swiftly squashed by a throaty "stand up, if you hate the band", and the experiment died an early and unlamented death. Rightly so, too. Bands at football stadia prosper only where the indigenous support lacks the moral fibre to resist such contrived attempts at a 'nice' atmosphere. Sheffield Wednesday is the obvious example.

Sadly, it appears that the good old days of free expression, where a cadre of like-minded fanatics could express their hatred of 'that lot from ovver t'hill', are soon to be behind us for good. Yet there are still football clubs and fixtures which can conjure up some of the old atmosphere, so deeply do feelings run. 

I'm glad to say that dear old Leeds United is one such club, so pathologically hated by so many other sets of fans, and so willingly disposed to return that sentiment with interest, that our matches against a select group of old enemies roll back the years, and set the blood pumping with an almost-forgotten vigour. Long may that remain the case - these are the real football clubs, with the real fans, and it's this unreconstructed minority which is striving to hold back the tide of plastic, family-orientated, artificial bonhomie that so threatens to dull the palate as the 21st century progresses.

It's not PC. It's frowned upon by the self-appointed guardians of 'The Good Of The Game'. And admittedly, it too often spills over into taboo references, or actual violence, which is never something to be condoned. But come the day when they finally kill the last wisp of hate-fuelled atmosphere, at the last old dinosaur of a non-modern non-Meccano stadium, they'll be well on the way to finally reading the last rites over the corpse of the game as we used to know it. And then - why, I'll throw in the towel, say my goodbyes to Elland Road, and sulk off to watch Frickley Athletic play those gits from FC United of Manchester - confident that there will be enough curmudgeonly old reprobates on both sides who will be happy to spit venom at each other for 90 minutes - just for old times' sake.

Rob Atkinson

Sunday, 27 January 2013

Leeds United's Lionel Varney and Diego McCormack Dump Parker's Tottenham Out Of Cup!

Bloody hell. I thought Varney's goal was good, but I think McCormack's was even better! True the defender made it too easy for him, but the way he stopped, turned inside and bent home his shot was sheer class.

And it was no more than Leeds deserved. Bale ripped them apart once and Dempsey glanced home the cross superbly, but that apart, Paddy Ashdown had an afternoon off, and it was Friedel who struggled to keep Tottenham in the game.

Byram was superb and Leeds fans will be relieved he signed that new contract. Unless there is a release clause in there of course. As this game showed, Spurs could do with a new full back!

Who needs Becchio eh? The Argentine must surely be on his way after being left out of the squad altogether - perhaps Wigan didn't want him cup tied? - but after this, Leeds fans won't care. Mind you, on the basis of this game Tottenham need him - their cupboard up front is bare!

Shit Brown bossed Parker in midfield, Hell Hadji linked play expertly, the defence were rock solid - Lees looks decent too - and Lionel Varney and Diego McCormack were superb.

This wasn't lucky, Leeds bossed most of the game. Mind you, Old Big Gob will be hopping mad that Mr Friend blew his whistle with Leeds' third goal rolling into the net! After this victory, Warnock might fancy his chances of taking over from Benitez in the summer!

Lionel Varney Gives Leeds Advantage Over Parker Inspired Tottenham At Half Time

No sign of Becchio, but who needs the lumbering Argentine when you have Lionel Varney in the team? The ball from Shit Brown was brilliant, Hell Hadji left it superbly when in an offside position, and Varney's run and finish were superb. Everybody expected him to pass, especially Vertonghen who failed to come across to challenge, but Varney ran on, looked up, shaped his body and buried a gem of a goal. Fantastic!

So far, Leeds have been the better team, cheered on by a passionate Elland Road. Funny the way the fans can find the money for a Cup tie and forget their hatred for Master Bates isn't it?

Byram has been outstanding, forcing Bale to switch wings, and Leeds have looked comfortable. Tottenham's attacking options on the bench are limited, so if Leeds can keep Bale and Lennon shackled, they could be on for a fantastic victory.

And Tottenham? Another goal less 45 minutes with Parker pulling the midfield strings!

Former Liverpool Boss Trying Best To Destroy Chelsea ahead of Zola's switch from Watford

Dumped out of the Carling One Fan Cup over two legs by Welsh minnows Swansea, a home defeat against bottom of the table QPR, a home draw against relegation threatened Southampton, and now the Plastics can't even beat Brentford!

Tell me, why the hell didn't Benny start with Ba and Torres against a team in the old Third Division? Answer, he has no plan B. Never has had, never will do.

The guy is a joke, complaining that Chelsea's squad isn't strong enough, and that anybody who criticises him is a fool, or a liar or a defamer. Poor Old Big Gob at Leeds doesn't dare open his mouth on the subject of Benitez for fear of ending up in court.

The Chelsea fans hated him before he arrived. They hated him when he was appointed. And they must hate him more and more as every day passes.

Is Zola on his way in the summer? At this point, the Chelsea faithful would probably welcome even Avram Grant back, such is their contempt and loathing for the man who turned Liverpool into also rans and who now threatens to make Chelsea the laughing stock of the Prem!

Leeds will turn a blind eye to Horacio's complaints at their cost

So Becchio's agent Horacio Rossi has spelt it out. And sugared the pill a little for Leeds fans. He explained to Sky:

"Luciano is on a spectacular run of form at the moment and for that reason Leeds came to us at the moment that Europa League clubs declared their interest in Luciano."

"As the club had declared that they would not accept any offer in this transfer window, I proposed to them the idea of extending Luciano's contract with Leeds until 2017 so that Luciano could end his career at the club."

"But for a new contract, there has to be an improvement. The offer that they made to us was insufficient. We respect the club's efforts, but it isn't enough."

"Leeds is like a home for Luciano. He feels respect and love for the club's fans. He has the best intentions of staying. He was willing to give up a lot of money to stay at Leeds."

"Luciano has to think about his family. He has three children. He has to look for security for them. He is 29-years-old, not 25. He is only a footballer once."

"Leeds say that Luciano is the most expensive player in their squad. They said on their website that he is the player who earns most but I don't know if this is true. It doesn't seem right to me. I don't know what (El-Hadji) Diouf, or (Ross) McCormack earn."

So there you have it, for what it's worth. Luciano loves Leeds and the Leeds fans, but he loves money more. Or rather, he loves Leeds more but only if there is more money. And the Leeds Board love Luciano but only if that love doesn't cost them any more money. And Luciano loves his family but his family needs more money. And his family love Leeds but only if there is more money. And Luciano would love to stay at Leeds until the end of his career, but only if there is more money and Leeds would love to keep him, unless they are offered more money.

You see, Lennon and McCartney were wrong all along. Money can buy you love.

What do they call it in Italy? Filthy Lucreiano?

Saturday, 26 January 2013

Hats Off To Luton Town!

Bloody marvellous! OK it was only country bumpkins Norwich City, who with their rag bag collection of ex Leeds United players are collapsing faster than a house of cards in a hurricane, but nevertheless, an away win for a non League team against Premiership opposition is something special!

I have a soft spot for Luton. I own a house in the town and have scored a goal myself at Kenilworth Road. The club have fallen on hard times since the heady days of Kerb Crawling Pleat so it's great to see a change of fortune. Was Pleat dancing along the touchline at Carrow Road today and is he heading off for London Road in Ipswich by way of celebration as we speak?

And as for Chris Hughton? Well he's in a right old Delia Smith pickle!

Hay Sees Bechio Departure As The Last Straw To Break The Leeds United Camel's Back!

Oh dear, now the Yapping Post is catching up with this blog and suggesting that Leeds United have orchestrated the departure of Becchio. I posted that a couple of days back and Hay has virtually regurgitated what I wrote but I won't be pressing for any royalties - although an acknowledgement would have been polite.
It seems everybody is waking up just a little too late to the farcical nature of the Leeds United take over. Some of us were warning, long before the buy out happened, that a bank which appeared to be losing money was not the best bet for reviving the sleeping Elland Road giant.
One of us, me, picked up immediately on Jones inviting offers for Becchio and Byram. One of us, me, latched on immediately to Warnock claiming that Becchio's head wasn't right after the Barnsley game. And one of us, me, pieced it all together a couple of days back when the club announced that Becchio wanted to leave.
But look at the abuse I have received for being right! Ok, I can understand why fans want to look on the bright side of life and why they may regard doom mongering from a fan of another club antagonistic. But surely now it is time to apologise and admit I was on the money all along! Some have, and all credit to them, but others continue their vitriolic outpouring which is absolutely unjustified in the circumstances.
Hay does make one good point, relating to the Financial Pair Play rules, pointing out that last season Leeds paid out well under 50% of revenue on players' wages, but adding that with falling gate receipts, GFH Capital may have to cut their wage bill still further. And who is to blame for that exactly?
Time and again I am told that Leeds are a big team with a huge fan base, but what's the point of that when the fans don't turn up for games? Elland Road is coming like a ghost town on match days, except when a big draw team like Chelsea or Spurs come up from London.
Until the take over, the Bates protest was offered as an explanation for the appalling gates. Then it was the cost of getting in to the ground. Now there are special reduced price deals and still only 18,000 turned up last weekend. That is shameful and must make the new owners think twice about pumping any more money into the ailing club - even if they do have the means to do so. 
And before the hate mob fly off on one, let me use this post as a rallying cry for Leeds fans. If you love your club, support your club. Turn up. Fill the stadium. Make your players feel special, make them feel like they are playing for a genuinely big club, not a small club with a big history and an inflated sense of its own importance. Then the likes of Becchio might want to stay. And GFH Capital might feel more inclined to invest. And the feel good factor may actually return.
Until that happens, Leeds are going nowhere fast!

Leeds United's Warnock Faces Cheat Charges on Eve of Tottenham Game

Well we all know Old Big Gob talks balls, but now it seems he talks ball boys too. Mr Motor Mouth is denying it, but according to Aston Villa's Matt Lowton, Warnock's gamesmanship didn't just extend to what happened on the pitch when in charge of Shafting United but reached out to guidance to the ball boys on how to cheat too.

And all this at the time that Warnock and the Blunted Blades were complaining that Tevez had single handedly relegated them. Pot and kettle come to mind?

Friday, 25 January 2013

Leeds United Hold Nerve As All Around Press Panic Button

So now former Leeds boss Simon Grayson has been sacked by Huddersfield Town. It's getting a bit like an Agatha Christie novel, with the managers of the Championship being bumped off one by one. So far, Bristol City, Barnsley, Nottingham Forest, Huddersfield, Crystal Palace, Blackpool, Blackburn (twice), Bolton, Wolves and Ipswich have dethroned their managers, but still Warnock clings on, supported by the Puppet Master Bates.

What does Warnock know that stops Leeds from sacking him one wonders? What deal has been done? Who really is in control of the once mighty Whites?

Before Christmas, all the talk was of the great takeover and how Leeds would emerge like a cabbage white butterfly from the Master Bates chrysalis era. But there's no sign of a butterfly, just the same old caterpillar, crawling around in the undergrowth, still dreaming of one day flying. But when? What has changed?

Nothing. Nothing's changed. And it's looking increasingly as if nothing will change. The playoff places are there for the taking as the bell sounds for the final lap of the season, and Leeds are in the chasing pack, not perfectly positioned  to put in a final spurt but not hopelessly positioned either. But the owners don't seem to care, far from strengthening, they look likely to let the club's leading scorer depart.

It's crazy. It doesn't even make business sense, never mind football sense, but GFH Capital don't seem to have the money nor the inclination to fund a genuine push for the Prem.

So Warnock is sitting pretty, under no weight of expectation except from the long suffering fans. No wonder he didn't leave for Forest in the summer; he would have been expected to achieve there and so would probably be out of work by now!

Thursday, 24 January 2013

Leeds United's Becchio Slaps In Carefully Engineered Transfer Request

Well that has been engineered rather nicely hasn't it?

First Mick Jones says he is worried about bids for the better players in the squad, putting Becchio in the shop window.

Then Warnock blames the Argentine for the defeat at Barnsley, claiming the player's head wasn't right, thereby stirring up animosity amongst the fans and provoking the usual, "If he doesn't want to play for us he can bugger off!" comments.

And now the club have issued a formal statement saying, in effect, "Don't blame the Board, nasty, nasty Becchio wants to go. But we won't let him. Unless a big bad team bid enough money for him. And by the way, there's only one more year left on his contract so what can we do, we simply have to cash in, don't we?"

Leeds fans are being well and truly mugged off here, and not by Becchio. This was so easy to call from the moment that Jones was scripted to invite offers, conveniently whilst Old Big Gob was at home pulling a sicky.

Of course, some Leeds fans will still try to defend the Board, and Warnock, and the club. Fools. Bates and his buddies are taking you for a ride!

Chelsea Propose Rule Change to FIFA But New Leeds Owners Are Not Sure

How tiresome that the game of football has not moved on. Ever since the formation of the Football Association there has been this narrow view that the game should be played with a small round object called a football but surely in the C21st it is time to think again. Poor Chelsea, how unfair is it that, after spending so many millions on players, they can't beat a little Welsh team like Swansea? And why? Because the £45m striker Torres can't put that stupid round ball into the net!

Well last night, Chelsea unveiled a new revolutionary version of the game. Why kick a ball, when you can kick a ball boy instead? Speaking after the game, Rafa Benitez explained: "Everybody in the world of football are liars. Everything said about me is lies. Even this quotation is lies."

He continued: "Our owner has pumped so much money in to this sport and should have the right to determine the rules. Footballs are stupid slippery things. They skid around the ground and move far too fast for the slow of thought like Torres, the heavy legged like Terry and the wide of girth like Lampard."

"Young Hazard showed the way in the game last night. Why kick a football when you can kick a ball boy instead? Mr Abromovich can source any number of orphan Russians who would be only too glad to be kicked by multi millionaire footballers. We see this as a great new innovation for our game."

"Our fans would love to see this introduced and it would offer great opportunities for disadvantaged young people to break into the game. And John Terry is anxious that we should not be discriminatory so perhaps we should use black boys. I know that would go down well in Spain!"

The new owners of Leeds United were not available for comment because they are unavailable to comment on everything. However, Old Big Gob expressed reservations saying, "Chelsea wouldn't be saying this if they had a team of pensioners like me. How are players in their mid thirties going to catch the ball boys in the first place? I would rather stick with my current tactics of kicking opposition players instead."

Wednesday, 23 January 2013

Parker Returns For Tottenham And The Goals Dry Up

It could just be a coincidence, of course, but since Sandro limped off early doors against QPR, Spurs have only scored one goal - and that was scored after Parker was substituted! In fact, in the last 187 minutes that Parker has played in the Prem, Tottenham have scored just once, and conceded one to balance it out.

The game at Loftus Road was the first time this season that Spurs have failed to score away from home - and, of course, they were playing against the bottom team in the division. Against Man Utd, Spurs were goal less whilst Parker was on the field - supporting again my view that, when up against the better teams, Parker is found wanting.

Not that he hasn't looked his old self since returning. He is still doing those 360 degree turns that would delight the Dancing On Ice judges, and still passing the ball sideways, backwards, sideways, backwards, sideways, backwards, five yards forward, sideways, backwards...

I wonder how long Spurs will hang on to fourth place with Scotty in the team?


Warnock Obliged To Manage On A Shoestring At Leeds

So Tate has been sent packing back to Wales because Warnock's priority is forwards. Does that make sense?

Tate was on loan. OK, he had a bad game against Barnsley but he has been decent enough since his arrival, and even if he were only in the squad as cover, he must still have his uses. But it seems Warnock can't have both Tate and the forwards he is chasing but hasn't yet signed.

Are Leeds really that hard up under the new owners? Is it a case of having to move one off the wage bill before another can be added?

Bleak days indeed.